100 Ultimate Collection of Funny Quotes for Every Occasion

Laugh out loud with our ultimate collection of Funny Quotes perfect for any occasion. Dive into wit and humor that'll brighten your day!

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Looking for a good laugh? Look no further than the 100 Best Funny Quotes of 2024!  Laughter is said to be the best medicine, and what better way to get a dose of laughter than with a collection of funny quotes? We've scoured the internet to bring you the best collection of funny quotes, suitable for every occasion, that are guaranteed to make you laugh regardless of your mood. From funny one-liners to laugh-out-loud to comments, we've got you covered with these hilarious quotes!

Our ultimate collection of funny quotes is perfect for any occasion. Get ready to laugh out loud and brighten your day with these witty and humorous quotes. From starting your day with a smile to lightening the mood during stressful times, these quotes cater to every situation. Share these hysterical quotes with your friends and loved ones. Add some humor to your social media posts with our collection of witty and clever quotes

Funny Quotes to Start Your Day with a Smile

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1.      "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin


2.      "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein


3.      "I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me." - Noel Coward


4.      "I have a photographic memory but with a low resolution." - ZZ Top


5.      "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." - Steven Wright


6.      "Life is like a rollercoaster, and I'm pretty sure I'm about to throw up."- Unknown


7.      "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."- Unknown


8.      "Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me... I'll laugh at you."- Unknown


9.      "I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx

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10.  "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner


11.  "True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part."            Mindy Kaling


12.  "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."- Natalie Portman


13.  "It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes."- Lucille Ball


14.  "I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"- Chandler Bing (Friends)


15.  "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey


16.  "I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde


17.  "I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge." - Unknown


18.  "I don't always cook, but when I do, I make a mess."- The Most Interesting Man in the World


19.  "My to-do list for today: 1) Survive. 2) Cross things off the to-do list."- Unknown


20.  "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."- Unknown


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21.  "A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." -Bernard Meltzer


22.  "Friends don't let friends do silly things... alone."- Unknown


23.  "A best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have."- Unknown


24.  "I don't know what's tighter, our jeans or our friendship."- Unknown


25.  "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" -C.S Lewis


26.  "Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar


27.  "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns


28.  "All I know is I am not a supermom. I am not a Wonder Woman. - Debbie Lee


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29.  "The only time I have a problem with Dad being bald is when people point it out. - Michael Vartan


30.  "Siblings are like tomatoes on a salad, some are sweet and some are salty, but together they taste perfect." - Unknown


31.  "Grandparents are a delightful blend of laughter, caring deeds, wonderful stories, and love." - Unknown


32.  "Age is just a number, and in my case, it's a really high one."- Unknown


33.  "Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."- Unknown


34.  "I never let my education get in the way of my learning."- Unknown


35.  "My New Year's resolution is to stop pretending that I'll make any changes. I'll just be the same old me, but with a new date on my checks."- Unknown


36.  "Marriage is an adventure, like going to war."- Unknown


37.  "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." - Rodney Dangerfield


38.  "I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts."- Ellen DeGeneres


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39.  "I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."- Groucho Marx


40.  "I live in my own little world, but it's okay, they know me here."     Judy Collins


41.  "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin


42.  "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."   - Unknown


43.  "Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." – Unknown


44.  "I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."- Unknown


45.  "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the film."- Unknown


46.  "I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."- Unknown


47.  "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."- Will Ferrell


48.  "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner."- Jerry Seinfeld


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49.  "Love is not only a feeling of joy. It's also a feeling of sacrifice, respect, and humor."- Paulo Coelho


50.  "If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."- Chelsea Peretti


51.  "Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." - Ray Romano


52.  "I thought I was just a regular mom until I had kids and realized I'm actually a ninja-pirate-superhero-wizard-warrior-chauffeur-chef-referee." - Unknown


53.  "Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts." - Unknown


54.  "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." - Erma Bombeck


55.  "Cleaning up with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos." - Joleigh Little


56.  "I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." - Bill Gates


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57.  "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" - Chandler Bing


58.  "I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Anonymous


59.  "I don't know what's tighter, our jeans or our friendship." - Anonymous


60.  "Good friends don't let you do stupid things...alone." - Unknown


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61.  "A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." - Bernard Meltzer


62.  "Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings." - Unknown


63.  "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure." - Unknown


64.  "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." - Unknown


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65.  "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Unknown


66.  "I don't always make sense, but when I do, I don't." - Unknown


67.  "Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny


68.  "I can't believe I'm still here, but then again, I can't remember where 'here' is." - Unknown


69.  "I'm not aging, I'm marinating." -   Unknown


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70.  "As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." -    Sir Norman Wisdom


71.  "It took me a long time to get used to my new birthday, but now I'm aging gracefully, like a descending knife."- Unknown


72.  "I have learned that when you expect good things to happen, they usually do." - Tom Heinsohn


73.  "I travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape me." - Anonymous


74.  "I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list." - Susan Sontag


75.  "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - Saint Augustine


76.  "Jet lag is for amateurs." - Dick Clark


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77.  "I love jet lag. I wanna do it all the time. I like feeling like a zombie." - Joseph Gordon-Levitt


78.  "The beach is not always a place, sometimes it's a feeling." - Anonymous


79.  "The beach: where doing absolutely nothing, is doing something." - Anonymous


80.  "Life is short, and the world is wide." - Anonymous


81.  "If you think adventures are dangerous, try routine: It's Lethal." - Paulo Coehlo


82.  "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." - Cathy Guisewite


83.  "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." - Steven Wright


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84.  "I have failed again and again throughout my life. That's why I am a success."- Michael Jordan


85.  "My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already." - Milton Berle


86.  "When you come to a roadblock, take a detour."  - Barbara Bush


87.   "I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!"


88.   "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."


89.  "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." - Michael Scott


90. "I never dreamed of working from home, but then again, I never dreamed of being stuck in traffic for an hour every day." - Unknown


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91. "asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked forgiveness." - Emo Philips


92. "hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."- Unknown


93. "laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." - Victor Hugo


94. "I can resist everything except temptation." - scar Wilde


95. "I'm a human being, and I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time." - Ellen DeGeneres


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96. " Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."- Will Rogers


97. "A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything." - Irish Proverb


98.  “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”— Steve Jobs


99.  “The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.”— Anonymous


100.   “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”— Oscar Wilde


In conclusion, laughter is truly the best medicine to brighten up our lives. The ultimate collection of funny quotes presented in this article is perfect for every occasion, from starting your day with a smile to lightening the mood during stressful times. We hope that these quotes have brought a dose of humor and a smile to your face.


Embrace the wit and humor, and share the laughter with your loved ones. Remember, a good laugh can make even the toughest days a little brighter.


Thank you for reading through our ultimate collection of funny quotes! Stay tuned for more exciting content from us.

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