81 Best Funny Quotes for Every Occasion and Mood

Here are the 81 Quotes to Make You Laugh from some of the wittiest and most hilarious people in history for every occasion and mood.

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Best Funny Quotes A Laughter-Filled Journey:  Life is full of surprises, challenges, and opportunities. Sometimes Clever and Amusing Sayings, we need a little humor to get us through the ups and downs and lighten the mood. Whether you're feeling happy, sad, angry, bored, or anything in between, there's the Best Funny Quotes of All Time that can make you laugh and smile. Here are the 81 Quotes to Make You Laugh from some of the wittiest and most hilarious people in history for every occasion and mood.

Welcome to a world where laughter has no limits. In this comprehensive guide, we consider "the best funny quotes for every occasion and mood." Humorous Quotes for Every Occasion Laughter is a universal language, and with these quotes Laugh Out Loud Moments, you'll find the right words to brighten any moment. 

Funny Quotes

1. "If women could read minds, Every second man will get slapped" — Anonymous

2. "Its funny how when I'm loud, people tell me to be quiet, but when im quiet, people ask me what's wrong with me." — Anonymous

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3. "I am not the archetypal leading men. This is mainly for one reason as you may have noticed, I have no hair."— Patrick Stewart

4. "If you don't run your own life somebody else will."— John Atkinson

5. "Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for. You never can predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid." — Captain Jack Sparrow

6. "I might look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head, I'm quite busy." — Anonymous

7. "You have to be odd to be number one."— Dr. Seuss

8. "When in doubt look intelligent."— Garrison Keillor

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9. "I'd like to live a poor man- only with lots of money."— Pablo Picasso

10. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth walking me up to see it."— Mindy Kaling

11. "Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... How to Build a Boat." —Steven Wright

12. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."— Reese Witherspoon

13. "I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later."— Mitch Hedberg

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14. "I'm losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be okay."  — Anonymous

15. "If someone throws a rock at you then throw back a flower but with the pot." — Anonymous

16. "I'm 97% sure you don't like me. But I'm 100% sure I don't care." — Anonymous

17. "I miss you like an idiot misses the point." — Anonymous

18. "I've reached that age where my brain goes from you probably shouldn't say that. To what the hell, let's see what happens." — Anonymous

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20. "You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example." — Anonymous

21. "I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper." —Matt Wohlfarth

22. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley

23. "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." — Steven Wright

24. "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." — Al McGuire

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25. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

26. "Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished." — Leslie Nielsen 

27. "You're never fully dressed without a smile." — Martin Charnin 

28. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin 

29. "I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why I'm right." — Anonymous

30. "Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins." — Anonymous

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31. "I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and pray for a miracle." — Anonymous 

32. "The first hundred years are the hardest." — Wilson Mizner

33. "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." — Steven Wright

34. "I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms." — Michael Scott

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 35. "I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake." — Anonymous 

36. "My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine." — Caroline Rhea 

37. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey

38. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." — Anonymous 

39. "Nowadays, people know the price of everything and the value of nothing." — Oscar Wilde

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40. "You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." — Bob Hope

41. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." — Anonymous

42. "Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear."—Suzanne Collins,

43. "Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile." —Billy Sunday

44. "I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."—Mark Twain

45. "Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer."— Ellen DeGeneres

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46. "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."—Marilyn Monroe

47. "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."—Cathy Guiswite

48. "Don't be so humble - you are not that great." — Golda Meir

49. "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."—Yogi Berra

50. "A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice."—Bill Cosby

51. "Never miss a good chance to shut up."—
Will Rogers

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52. "I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist."—Gena Showalter

53. "I live in my own little world. But it ok, they know me here."—Lauren Myracle


54. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."—
Isaac Asimov

55. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson

56. "You are the shuckiest shuck-faced shuck in the world!"—
James Dashner

57. "Can I come in?
No! I'm in a towel!
I'm blind!"—
James Patterson

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58. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield

59. "The funniest people are the saddest ones."—
Confucius

60. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry

61. "Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished." — Leslie Nielsen 

62. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin 

63. "If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else." — Ann Marx

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64. "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." —Les Dawson

65. "Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it." — Anonymous

66. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." — Thomas Edison

67. "I’m not insane. My mother had me tested." — Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory

68. "I can resist everything except temptation." — Oscar Wilde

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69. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin

70. "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie

71. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." — Oscar Wilde

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72. "The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." — Robert Bloch

73. "I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex." — Anonymous

74. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey

75. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." —  Isaac Asimov

76. "I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." —  Groucho Marx

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77. "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." —  Jack Handey

78. "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." —  Dave Barry

79. "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." —  Luis Bunuel

80. "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." — Al McGuire

81. "Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have a way." —  Steve Martin

Humor has the extraordinary power to uplift spirits and bring people together. These 81 funny quotes, covering a wide range of topics, provide a lighthearted perspective on life's often ridiculous moments. Whether you need a good laugh, a fresh outlook, or just a moment of light-heartedness, these quotes are perfect for every occasion and mood.


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